Saturday, February 21, 2015
Happiness is spending the long weekend with my hubster driving to nowhere and creating memories that we hope we remember lol.
Happiness is closing my eyes and breathing deeply and taking in all of the nature surrounding me and it's awesomeness.
Happiness is getting an owl onesie and not taking it off all weekend!
Monday, February 16, 2015
We met almost 20 yrs ago. I had heard of her long before I had met her. I was friends with her older sister at first...and then we became best friends. My first interaction with her was in Seattle of all places....at a restaurant on some side street where she was drinking a beer....the both of us were there in Seattle for an all women's christian retreat called "Women of Faith". She was taken there by family and friends who were trying to "save" her....she was not ready to be saved though.....and so I found her in this family restaurant trying to "escape the saving".
After that we had another accidental meeting together...and it was a weekend away to a place of "healing". The both of us had been gifted an expensive "find your self" retreat....both of us had anonymous donors gift us this 4 day intense therapy thing that basically messes with your shit for four days and you try to come out of it feeling all "lets love the effing world" type thing. And it worked....and it lasted....for a month...and then you go all back to your "what the hell is wrong with me" life lol.
It was in this four day escapade that we bonded more....because we heard each others shit in more detail...we both met other people there who we have since bonded with and kept in contact with over the years.....but our friendship was different....how...and why....I will never know.
What I know is this.....our friendship was also unhealthy.
She is an alcoholic and I was an enabler.
That being said...and I am sure there are some Al Anoner's out there who will say I am enabling by saying this....she did save my life.
How?....she told me over and over and over again that I was beautiful and that I was worth it...and that any guy would be LUCKY to have me.....she told me this in a time of my life that I felt like "shit". I had no self esteem....I had no voice...and I felt like even if I had a voice....I was not to be heard and no one cared....all that mattered was that I was a Mom and I was to raise my two kids on my own and smile and love God and lets all just hold hands and sing Kumbayah!
And so I felt supported for being me, I felt for the first time that I was not judged....the both of us could be ourselves and the rest of the world did not understand us except for each other.
I look back now and I think of all the hilarious, wonderful, toxic, abusive, exhilarating things we did together....and I think...what the hell were we thinking? Oh that's right...we weren't.....we were just "living".
So being a friend of an alcoholic sure takes an emotional slab out of your soul. There were things I saw...things I heard from her that were unimaginable to my human mind....and I felt so incapable of helping...so I would just "be" there for her....and she would in return just "be" there for me.
So over the years we have connected...and then disconnected again....and again...just very recently...reconnected again.
I love her, I miss her....she is the one person in the world....other then my big brother...that know the real me....that saw my "shit"...that saw me at my worst and still loved me.
I struggle with her need and desire for alcohol...she has been sober for a while again....how long she will be again...I don't know....or if she really is even sober...I hope so for her sake.
I also struggle with this idea. Who am I to judge her so harshly....I have said some hurtful things to her that I am sure not proud of...but in the moment I felt they needed to be said...and that is the theme of my life so to speak...I say things often in the moment that are harsh and hard to hear...and so do I really take back what I said and feel bad for it..or do I stand by the words of hurt and own them.
We all change, we all learn...we all keep making mistakes...who am I to judge another....!
So once again....I will be that friend this time that encourages her, loves her..and accepts the love back from her that she gives me....we are on this earth and are living this life journey for such a short time....and the older I get the harder it's gets to understand this journey so I take each day at a time...and I am grateful for each day I get to figure it all out all over again.
A couple of days ago on Valentines....she had wished me "many bra's...hoped that I would be spoiled with many bra's"....oh how this made me laugh....you see...when she knew me...I would NEVER wear one....it was hard for me to even get dressed on days yet alone out on a freakin bra lol.....I felt like it didn't matter anyways....no one wanted me so why the hell did the sisters needed to be all "wrapped up" lol....so she would say things to me like "Robyn, we are not going out until you put your damn bra on".
And so to this day....when I go bra shopping I think of her...if only for a split second...she is there in my head....and it's ridiculous that I am thinking of a women while I bra shop...but I do...cause this woman reminded me in a time that I could not think....to be beautiful.
So...my journey of friendship with her continues....where it will take us I don't know....I know we are 20 years older and still trying to figure our shit out....but I am glad that we are gifted each day here to try and figure our shit out.
On this family day weekend in Canada.....I think about a friend who was my "family" for years...yes we were a dysfunctional family.....just like so many "real" family's out there....but we functioned some how...and so today I shall reflect on family...and what family means to me :-)
Saturday, February 14, 2015
So every girl can dream....and my dreams consist of three men....all of which the hubster is fully away of. These three men are all completely opposite of each other and have nothing in common and I suppose that's why I fantasize about three of them instead of one, cause just one does not fa fill all my wants or desires. I cannot even begin to fathom a pretend man that would be all three of these dudes....because it just simply will never exist and so there for I shall continue my "dream world".
|GSP....do I really need to say more about this|
|Oh my Woody...and his dreamy ideas|
|Oh David...and his naughty bad boy thing that just is and happens to be crossing over to some new area of "save the cows thing" that makes him even hotter...sheesh|
So all this being said....these are men of fantasy. Then there is the man of real. My husband...whom I do not post pictures of here as per request and also desire. As this is my thing not his...and so while I do talk about him often, it's not my place to drag him into my shit on line here.
My real man...well he surpasses all of the fantasy....and I am not just saying that....he loves me with all his heart and soul...takes care of me like I have never been taken care of before....he challenges me which makes me crazy but at the same time I love....I'm not sure if he will ever fully understand me, but he thinks he does and I love him for thinking he does...cause honestly....it's comforting to hear that someone "gets me"...and so I'm cool with that.
So happy love day....today I feel super loved, and that makes me smile :-)
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I am happy that I am secure enough in myself to have the opinions that I have...that I am confident enough to have a voice and speak how I feel. I cannot even begin to fathom those that DON'T have an opinion....those that are too scared speak of what they actually think...or those that just simply do not care.
I am so happy that there are those that do not speak or care...for it gives us that do more room to speak lol. What would this world do with out all of us people who have an opinion...yeah yeah...I know...it would be peaceful......but I bet it sure would be boring too!
Opinions are great gateways for fantastic conversations...and sometimes they lead to stupendous debates that cause a euphoria in my brain that lasts for hours...oh how I love those ones.
So what makes some people dislike that I am opinionated? Well I have no freakin clue lol. Is it that they don't care about anything and feel that it's nonsense that I do in fact care...or they don't like just how passionate I am when it comes to whatever the heck I am speaking of lol
I for sure know this...my opinions change...I grow...I learn....I reassess what I have heard or felt from before.....it's so great to be ever evolving and learning and changing...somethings don't change...and I like to examine those opinions too....like why I have the stayed so steadfast for so long and over the test of time...why is it unwavering? Anything that challenges my brain and points of view are just so titillating.
The times where I don't even have time to think as I just "react" ....yeah...those opinions are probably the most fun....maybe not for the receiver but man...they sure are for me...sometimes I even shock myself with what comes out of my mouth...like how does that even happen I wonder...that I am shocked by my own words...like who the heck has taken over the brain to mouth gateway in these situations lol....either way...it sure is a carnival ride.
My Mom has told me many times in my life "Robyn...it's like you have a beacon on your forehead just inviting excitement into your life".....or like my boss said the other day "it's like you invite drama"....well...I can't freakin help it...I don't know what's going on or where or why weird shit happens to me....but I won't deny it happens either...but it does tend to be a rather exciting life...and I wouldn't want it any other way!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
There are triggers that set this feeling off. The smell of a campfire....seeing someone chop wood.....seeing someone drive by me with a load of split wood...driving the Crowsnest pass for work just the other day into the foresty mountain area...oooohhhhh it made my heart yurn for my forest. And when I say my forest...I mean MY forest.
Back in BC on our property we have 12 acres...and it is literally all forest with a few open pockets where there is a house and some garden plots...but other then that...it's all forest. I would spend hours upon hours wondering through our forest....stopping....looking up...listening...oh how I love to listen to the forest talk to me...it was beautiful....it would make me weep sometimes how beautiful the sound of nature talking to me could be.
But there were times where nature would yell at me...like the times there were big wind storms and I would be in the house shitting my pants with fear of which tree might fall on the house and kill us today lol. It was a delicate balance of love and fear with the forest.
I am sure this is how it would look right now too....this was in my backyard heading down the property...I would stay on the path for a while, but most often venture into the deep snow and wooded oblivion.
My other favorite part was knowing that because of where I lived, there was more and more forest every where I drove....and this was one such spot....Mahood Falls...not far from us....and it was the most AMAZING place to visit and walk to and just "take in" it's magnitude of power.
I am so happy I experienced such beauty....both on my own property and surrounding me....I will never forget or stop wanting it....but today I shall dream of it.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Yup....I am the most unreliable blogger out there...so if you come here to read my rants or thoughts...it's like a hit and miss with me....there are times where I feel like writing daily and other times where I might go a month....like now.
A lot has happened over the months....I am not sure what, but it has....here is some of it.
So this happened....a few weeks ago my son was THIS close to being shot by a random stranger who shot another guy at point blank range....he just happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time.
This reeaalllllllllllllly brought things into perspective for ALL of us when we found out.
So seeing my kids the next day after that and hugging them felt AMAZING....I truly felt I was gifted another day after seeing how close it came to my son....I also feel gifted that my daughter is turning out just as banana cakes as her mother....seriously....I'm pretty sure she may surpass my insanity levels lol.
The other part of that weekend was that I spent the night at my daughters place....yup...I spent the night at my daughters place....I have to keep saying that over and over again to myself...it seems so surreal...to be able to go to the big city and spend the night AT MY KIDS PLACE....OMG...they are growing up and I'm not sure how this happened but it's awesome.
So while there at her house I met my new grandsnakes....sooooooo cute...she has two of them....for most it is the most frightening thing ever, but for me, who is accustomed to my daughter having odd pets, it was delightful.
She also has a tarantula, his name is Rick....but Rick is a dick...so we call him Rick the Dick...cause he doesn't like to be held to much or cuddle lol...he's pink too...so I feel like he's a dick because he just hasn't become one with his identity yet lol.
That same day that I went and saw both of my kids we had lunch at my sisters place in the big city, and I was delightfully surprised to be spoiled by my sister making me a full vegan meal! AWESOMER!!!! It truly was just so amazing, she went out of her way to think thoughtfully of me and my new way of wanting to eat and it just really touched my heart of how kind and caring she is.
Also...speaking of sibling kindness...my older brother who lives in Edmonton...has been visiting and tending to a cousin of ours who is in hospital out there...she has been there for a month now and her husband works up north and can't always be there for her..and since my brother lives there he is always visiting after or before work and just giving her some "family" time....he even bought her a look a like dog stuffie for her...as her dog is back home being taken care of by neighbors...the thing that's so great about this...is that he grew up not really knowing her...she is my age and my brother was long gone from home or being around...and it's hasn't been until these recent years that we all connected again...and they have formed a great bond which I just think is fabulous. It's just never to late to connect.
So....when will this delinquent blogger post again? Who freakin knows....lol....I sometimes really want to say "I'm gonna do this everyday"...but who am I kidding.....when it hits me it hits me...yeah just never know.
Toodles for now :-)